All about Anya - finally finished
Aug. 28th, 2004 01:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
avreliaThe previous part is here.
Starting after Selfless
Big moments come and go, and what is important is what one is doing after. Anya didn’t know what to do. She tried to find herself again, but had no idea where to look.
She accepted Buffy’s invitation to help with the apocalypse, but it was easier to say, because the apocalypse in question was looming and laughing at them, but never appeared.
She kept the household running – which is almost an impossible thing to do considering the ever increasing number of Slayer-wannabes, but nobody noticed it. Her demon knowledge and contacts weren’t much of a help any longer, and the attempts to assert herself as a sexually desirable woman wasn’t working.
She found herself in the state of some working neutrality with everyone else, including Xander. She would be disappointed at another time, but they were not talking much to each other either, so she was a part of their mutual malady.
She was irritated and angry. With Xander not feeling guilty about leaving her at the alter, and not admitting that it would have been better if they had married. With Willow, because Willow was useless, but forgiven nevertheless; with Spike for not wanting her, with potentials, for never putting dishes in the dishwasher, with Andrew, for being generally annoying, with Giles for being an ass and causing them worries, and with Buffy for being a bitch, and doing a lousy job with the apocalypse, and for dragging her into this mess in the first place. All that meant that she was irritated and angry with herself.
She drifted along with the Scoobies, and the potentials, and Andrew, waiting for something to happen, festering and annoying each other in the small universe of the house on Revello drive.
She found herself in the role of a housekeeper – making sure that food and the first aid supplies are there, that somebody cleans the house, that somebody does the laundry, cooking, and nobody (especially Andrew) occupies the bathroom for too long. It kept her busy, but didn’t leave her satisfied. The resentment was boiling just below the surface. And when Buffy pulled out her “Everyone sucks, but me” speech, Anya voiced her resentment. But on Buffy justified question what she was doing there in that case, Anya couldn’t find an answer – she was asking the same questions herself, she knew it wasn’t because she scared too much to be somewhere else, but she had no idea why else.
So she was there, helping to get Buffy back, helping to do this and to do that, and searching for the information on Turok-Khan and The First Evil…
The unexpected sex with Xander, sweet, hot, forgiving felt like a goodbye, but wasn’t their first sex supposed to be a goodbye, too? But she was at peace with Xander now – not expecting anything to happen, letting things go. They still seemed to love each other, only they were different, and Anya didn’t know where she wanted things to move.
It irked her how Spike was easily forgiven. Was he better that her? He was a vampire, she was human – now. He got himself a soul, she chose to be a human. Everyone was fussing around Spike, not around her. “Forgiveness makes us human.” - Those who are forgiven, or those who forgive? She didn’t know. She was human now. Was she forgiven?
Then Buffy was planning another suicidal mission, and this was the last straw for Anya.
She let all the bitterness of the last year out. Half –aware that it wasn’t really fair – not all of it – but also that she had to tell it became otherwise she would burst.
Buffy was out of touch with reality. Someone had to point it out for her. She didn’t mind Buffy killing her, but she resented Buffy telling her what to do, especially considering that Buffy set such a lousy example herself.
But on the next day Buffy was back, and the house was chock-full of injured and dying girls.
It wasn’t just Buffy, all of them were running on the reckless suicidal missions. Most of the time they were lucky and didn’t die, that’s all.
The medical supplies were over, and Anya went for a plundering mission into deserted Sunnydale Hospital with Andrew.
Andrew. The pathetic ex-super-villain, the boy, who didn’t know he had to grow up, the geek who lived in the constructed fantasy world, not caring that hurt real people, the man who killed his best friend for no good reason, the human who would glue himself to whatever strong force cam along.
He was everything she hated in humans. Everything she used to hate. She was surprised by the realization. She couldn’t pinpoint when the change happened. But it was true. She liked humans, she liked to be a human. Even if it meant to stay and fight. Especially when it meant to stay and fight.
Only humans could engage in the ridiculous and pointless wheelchair battle. On the brink of the apocalypse, no less. And she was happy about it. The life suddenly had a taste. A bittersweet taste of never quitting.
Then there was a real battle. And the quiet moments before. The overblown household was preparing for the battle, the real one. She knew that, for once, she was going to fight because it was the right thing to do, and she was at peace with the world and herself.
And then they all went to the battle. And it was scary and nasty, as battles were. Anya fought with all the skill of her twelve hundreds years of being a demon, and with the determination of a human. She fought amazingly well. She missed only one blow.
Starting after Selfless
Big moments come and go, and what is important is what one is doing after. Anya didn’t know what to do. She tried to find herself again, but had no idea where to look.
She accepted Buffy’s invitation to help with the apocalypse, but it was easier to say, because the apocalypse in question was looming and laughing at them, but never appeared.
She kept the household running – which is almost an impossible thing to do considering the ever increasing number of Slayer-wannabes, but nobody noticed it. Her demon knowledge and contacts weren’t much of a help any longer, and the attempts to assert herself as a sexually desirable woman wasn’t working.
She found herself in the state of some working neutrality with everyone else, including Xander. She would be disappointed at another time, but they were not talking much to each other either, so she was a part of their mutual malady.
She was irritated and angry. With Xander not feeling guilty about leaving her at the alter, and not admitting that it would have been better if they had married. With Willow, because Willow was useless, but forgiven nevertheless; with Spike for not wanting her, with potentials, for never putting dishes in the dishwasher, with Andrew, for being generally annoying, with Giles for being an ass and causing them worries, and with Buffy for being a bitch, and doing a lousy job with the apocalypse, and for dragging her into this mess in the first place. All that meant that she was irritated and angry with herself.
She drifted along with the Scoobies, and the potentials, and Andrew, waiting for something to happen, festering and annoying each other in the small universe of the house on Revello drive.
She found herself in the role of a housekeeper – making sure that food and the first aid supplies are there, that somebody cleans the house, that somebody does the laundry, cooking, and nobody (especially Andrew) occupies the bathroom for too long. It kept her busy, but didn’t leave her satisfied. The resentment was boiling just below the surface. And when Buffy pulled out her “Everyone sucks, but me” speech, Anya voiced her resentment. But on Buffy justified question what she was doing there in that case, Anya couldn’t find an answer – she was asking the same questions herself, she knew it wasn’t because she scared too much to be somewhere else, but she had no idea why else.
So she was there, helping to get Buffy back, helping to do this and to do that, and searching for the information on Turok-Khan and The First Evil…
The unexpected sex with Xander, sweet, hot, forgiving felt like a goodbye, but wasn’t their first sex supposed to be a goodbye, too? But she was at peace with Xander now – not expecting anything to happen, letting things go. They still seemed to love each other, only they were different, and Anya didn’t know where she wanted things to move.
It irked her how Spike was easily forgiven. Was he better that her? He was a vampire, she was human – now. He got himself a soul, she chose to be a human. Everyone was fussing around Spike, not around her. “Forgiveness makes us human.” - Those who are forgiven, or those who forgive? She didn’t know. She was human now. Was she forgiven?
Then Buffy was planning another suicidal mission, and this was the last straw for Anya.
She let all the bitterness of the last year out. Half –aware that it wasn’t really fair – not all of it – but also that she had to tell it became otherwise she would burst.
Buffy was out of touch with reality. Someone had to point it out for her. She didn’t mind Buffy killing her, but she resented Buffy telling her what to do, especially considering that Buffy set such a lousy example herself.
But on the next day Buffy was back, and the house was chock-full of injured and dying girls.
It wasn’t just Buffy, all of them were running on the reckless suicidal missions. Most of the time they were lucky and didn’t die, that’s all.
The medical supplies were over, and Anya went for a plundering mission into deserted Sunnydale Hospital with Andrew.
Andrew. The pathetic ex-super-villain, the boy, who didn’t know he had to grow up, the geek who lived in the constructed fantasy world, not caring that hurt real people, the man who killed his best friend for no good reason, the human who would glue himself to whatever strong force cam along.
He was everything she hated in humans. Everything she used to hate. She was surprised by the realization. She couldn’t pinpoint when the change happened. But it was true. She liked humans, she liked to be a human. Even if it meant to stay and fight. Especially when it meant to stay and fight.
Only humans could engage in the ridiculous and pointless wheelchair battle. On the brink of the apocalypse, no less. And she was happy about it. The life suddenly had a taste. A bittersweet taste of never quitting.
Then there was a real battle. And the quiet moments before. The overblown household was preparing for the battle, the real one. She knew that, for once, she was going to fight because it was the right thing to do, and she was at peace with the world and herself.
And then they all went to the battle. And it was scary and nasty, as battles were. Anya fought with all the skill of her twelve hundreds years of being a demon, and with the determination of a human. She fought amazingly well. She missed only one blow.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-28 03:32 pm (UTC)I am in tears - real tears - over that ending. What a beautiful, beautiful piece. You've brought Season 7 Anya to me here in a way I wish I'd recognised better at the time - because you're so right, this is the Anya we saw, and yet we didn't see her. Hee, now I'm babbling, but I love so much so many of the points - tiny and huge - that you've brought out here. Thank you for such a stunning piece of work. It really is a revelation.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-28 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-28 06:59 pm (UTC)It irked her how Spike was easily forgiven. Was he better that her? He was a vampire, she was human – now. He got himself a soul, she chose to be a human. Everyone was fussing around Spike, not around her. "Forgiveness makes us human." - Those who are forgiven, or those who forgive? She didn't know. She was human now. Was she forgiven?
I was reading the essay in a rather relaxed mood and this paragraph made me sit up straighter, and I went back and read everything again.
I miss Anya.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-29 06:46 pm (UTC)I love how they put something so important as an off-hand remark there.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-30 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-30 10:31 am (UTC)