about Anya - almost finished
Aug. 25th, 2004 10:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
avreliaThis thing was kicking my ass terribly. I planned to write an essay, but it turned into something else, and I have no idea by now how much sense it has.
I was too feverishly bound to finish it today, but it is getting too long, and I decided to post it now. I will post the end tomorrow. But could you please read it and tell me if it worth more time?
There was a young woman long ago. She lived in a village somewhere on Scandinavian Peninsula. Her name was Aud.
She was quick and smart, sweet and loving, thrifty and practical. She loved her merry and loud husband, Olaf; she bred rabbits.
She had a strange way of talking and an unconventional sense of humour. People in the village didn’t understand or like her. She didn’t understand or like other people. There was nothing particularly unusual in it. Aud wasn’t bothered much by it, either. As long as she had love of her husband Olaf, she was happy.
Apparently, Aud and Olaf understood love differently. Olaf didn’t see anything wrong about getting it on with a plump bar maiden. Aud did.
Magic wasn’t a forbidden knowledge then and there. Vengeance was a respectable custom, and sometimes, an obligation. Aud turned Olaf into troll, Having proved a significant talent and ingenuity with magic.
Her work didn’t go unnoticed. She was offered a new – job, life, self. She became Anyanka. She became vengeance. She slid across centuries, happy with her demonic powers, her demon world – where she actually felt belonging, where everything made sense to her. Her powers had not only made her an accepted member of the demon world, they allowed her to play whatever role she had to in the human one: highlands, high society, and high school – she looked at place everywhere. She picked up information, languages, and ideas along the way and made them hers, but all this was just trifles between exacted vengeance in the scorned women’s name.
And, oh, is she good at it! She could bring the darkest out of every woman, and then embellish it some more. She was respected, feared, and confident in herself.
On the hindsight, probably, she shouldn’t have come to Sunnydale. But she never hid away from a difficult case, all previous encounters with Slayers didn’t do her any harm, and the girl, her potential client was hurt and furious, and Anyanka couldn’t leave her unattended.
It began quite well, and then, somehow went horribly wrong. She was posing as a new girl at school, she and her client had a good rapport, as usual, they chatted, she commiserated – and seeing the perpetrator around, laughing with two girls, she cannot but appreciated the taste of her client. It was very stupid of her not to recognize the slayer at once, of course. She must have been distracted by the perpetrator, Xander, a very nice-looking boy. Pity, he was due to die horribly from the granted wish.
But when the wish was declared – neither the perpetrator, nor his red abettor was mentioned. And, much to Anyanka’s surprise and delight, the strange wish produced incredible results – a brand new world.
She has a dim recollection of this world, and what happened later, because world returned to the previous state – only she lost her amulet, her source of power. She became human, a teenage girl in an American high school on the hellmouth.
She was stripped of all her powers; even her name - she couldn’t use her demon name in all its glory; she didn’t fit anywhere again. The demon world is a nice place for a demon, but toward a human, even formerly demon, it is merciless. She didn’t like being a human; she sucked at it the first time around. The demon life was easy and glorious, the human – lonely, pathetic, and weak. At least she still had her material assets, but that was the only thing that worked for her.
Nobody paid any attention to her, and she didn’t connect to anybody at school, even to her former client – as soon as the initial reason for their interactions was gone, none could find a topic to talk about. Humans were stupid and pathetic; Anya was bored at school, but couldn’t get anywhere else. She didn’t know where to go, or who she was, so she just stuck around.
A ray of hope was her attempt to use Willow to make a spell to bring her amulet back. To Anya’s chagrin, she lost not only her demon powers, but also that little magic power that she used to have as a human. She needed help to do a simple spell. And, of course, the spell went wrong. Everything in her life went wrong recently.
Then there was an apocalypse pending, and, being a clever a sensible person, she left the town.
Only… she kept thinking about it – about Sunnydale, and the Slayer and her friends, and nicely-shaped Xander, who didn’t back away from her at that silly dance event, who didn’t back away from the apocalypse and stayed with his friends, even though she explained to him how tiny their chances were and offered to leave the town with her.
So she found herself heading back to Sunnydale.
Over the next years her life became Xander-shaped.
Season 4 she spends not here not there. She isn’t working, she isn’t studying, she is tagging along Xander, and the Slayer, and all the human world. Sometimes she is snarky about humans, but she isn’t hostile either. Mostly she doesn’t care one way or another that much (well, may be about Xander, because he is nice to her, handsome and seems to actually care whether she is alive, she’s given up the idea of getting her powers back, (she is still pissed off about d’Hoffrin, and his offering her position to Willow didn’t help here) and mostly just tries to exist somehow.
But being demon was much easier – and much more pleasant. She had a purpose, a will, a power, she wasn’t alone, but in the community, where everything was clear. Now nothing is. She used to be a human a long time ago, but she doesn’t remember how it was. Probably wasn’t much fun either, as she never regretted being a demon.
She thinks she needs to learn to live in the human world again, but the world doesn’t make it any easier. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. Sometimes her knowledge of the demon world and magic are useful, and she feels useful and in the right place, and she loves this feeling. The next day they would look at her as at an intruding stranger, like she is a leper they cannot throw away (because they are good), but cannot accept as their equal either. But she needs them, because she doesn’t have anyone else, and sometimes they need her, and there is Xander, so it is working out.
The next year things seemingly start working out for her – she starts to fit in, she is learning to live as a human, every week brought something new. She started working at the Magic shop and getting paid, and being useful, because Giles was hopeless in the important stuff, and for her retail turned to be easy. The money was the palpable, material sign of the human world and that she was fitting in there.
The broken arm drove home that she wasn’t invincible any longer, that she could be injured, sick, and would eventually get old as well. This discovery both scared her and added the impetus to her desire to have a proper human life she didn’t have much time to settle into it. Xander was moving in the right direction with the job and the admission of his love to her, the Scoobies more or less let her in, and her talent with money assured her that she was right on her way to have a decent human life.
Even sad events worked to her advantage. Joyce’s death hit inexplicably hard. She saw many deaths. She caused many more of them, but it was the death of the Slayer’s mother that made her actually feel the loss. Very human. It also returned the old feeling of connection of death, life, and sex. She knew it long ago, but in the demon world sex means physical pleasures, death belongs to humans, and life doesn’t have much meaning at all.
The renewed connection made her orgasms with Xander more poignant with the reminding of their ability to create a new life together.
The new apocalypse was coming to the Sunnydale. She caught herself thinking about means to fight Glory and was very surprised – she really should have been moving out, far from Hellmouth, but she knew that Xander wouldn’t have agreed, and she couldn’t leave him, so she put her energies into staying alive there.
And she was rewarded by the universe. Well, the Slayer died, but the end of the world was averted. And Xander proposed. Before it was clear that they were going to live long enough to get married, but still, it was nice.
She was feeling a full member of the Scoobies, and even though she still caught those glances from time to time, they didn’t bother her any longer. She was one of them, soon to be married, and it was
a good feeling. It would be much better if Xander actually told anyone about their engagement, but they were all grieving about Buffy, and she was trying to be supportive and understanding. So, instead she found herself plotting the resurrection. She thought to tell them that it rarely ends well, but she knew Willow was not going to listen to her anyway, and probably Xander, too, and Tara wouldn’t be able to influence anyone. Besides, she liked to be a part of the group.
So, Buffy was back. And, apparently, they screw it up, and she wasn’t happy being back at all. With it, Anya could relate. This world was nothing special, especially for someone who saw other universes. But Anya’d gotten over it, and Buffy should have been, too. A regular job and money would have helped as they had helped her, but Buffy’s one day in retail was a complete disaster, and Anya swore she wasn’t going to let Buffy to the other side of a cash register, all Scoobies be damned with their disapproval.
Her memories of her time as a demon became somewhat of a previous job. She was still slightly nostalgic, but she was settling in the human world marvelously, even though sometimes doubts about her incredible luck and her human life visited her, she put all doubts to the darkest corner of her mind. She was determined to make her human life a happy one. She knew what the chances are, and she was taking them all. Xander was her lucky lottery ticket, he loved her, she loved him, and becoming Mrs. Harris would seal her success at being a human. She hadn’t seen any happy marriage she could remember, but this is she and her Xander, and everything would be different this time. Her weeding – as her married life was supposed to be just right.
But then it didn’t happen. She wasn’t furious, she was empty. She accepted the demon powers again, she didn’t really want to be a demon, but she needed to fill the void inside that she felt since her lonely walk to the altar, and her demon days seemed a time when everything in her life made sense.
She wanted to hurt her Xander, but she couldn’t anymore, and even seeing him hurt didn’t make her feel any better. What was strange though, she tried to throw herself back into the vengeance, but she couldn’t do it also; vengeance wasn’t sweet for her any longer, living Anya alone and confused. Her life as a vengeance demon was emptier than before, she didn’t fit in the demon world as well in the human. She stayed in Sunnydale, with Scoobies, even though she didn’t know what for, but she stayed, and helped when her help was needed.
Her being a demon again was discovered when Willow was on her vengeance binge, when Anya joined Xander and Buffy to help her, even if helping Willow meant stopping her – the thing she wouldn’t have done in her thousand years.
Over the summer she tried to pick up the remnants of her life, and put it into the unbroken whole. But as the broken Magic Box, her life just wasn’t coming back. She felt no taste in the demon existence, and the vengeance didn’t fill her up. She didn’t feel herself powerful, she wasn’t sure she had power, and not the other way around. She looked at Willow, coming back from her anti-evil therapy in England, scared the shit out of herself, and suddenly she realized she felt the same. Only Willow had friends who loved no matter what. And what did Anya have? Halfrek?
Something was brewing and everyone was talking about choosing the side. She did choose, didn’t she? She was a demon. Why couldn’t she just let everything go, and be as before? But she couldn’t.
She took no pleasure in her victims pain (well-deserved pain!), and didn’t notice it until Halfrek had pointed it out.
So she really had to choose. And she answered the call from the fraternity house. It was the work at her best level of old times. She knew D’Hoffrin would be happy. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t happy and she couldn’t hide it from herself. Again, and again she tried to justify the death of those stupid boys to herself, and to Willow, but in both cases it didn’t work.
And suddenly she didn’t care. She wanted to change something, but wasn’t sure what exactly. She knew with the painful certainty that she made all the wrong choices, and she couldn’t take them back. All centuries of happy mayhem she had never felt bad about laid an unbearable burden on her soul and she – in the first time – felt them for what they were: murders and pain. One thousand two hundred plus years of murders and pain she inflicted. She felt very tired and old.
Anya returned to the frat house – seeing dead boys, silly dead boys, who probably deserved some good spanking, but not the horribly death she subjected them to.
When Buffy appeared, in her full Slayer mode, Anya was almost happy. She fought desperately, to save her face, but it was the fight, she didn’t want to win.
So she chose being human. She didn’t expect it – she didn’t expect her to live, and Halfrek to die, but chose the lives of the stupid frat boys over her life and power. And she knew she had made the right choice.
I was too feverishly bound to finish it today, but it is getting too long, and I decided to post it now. I will post the end tomorrow. But could you please read it and tell me if it worth more time?
There was a young woman long ago. She lived in a village somewhere on Scandinavian Peninsula. Her name was Aud.
She was quick and smart, sweet and loving, thrifty and practical. She loved her merry and loud husband, Olaf; she bred rabbits.
She had a strange way of talking and an unconventional sense of humour. People in the village didn’t understand or like her. She didn’t understand or like other people. There was nothing particularly unusual in it. Aud wasn’t bothered much by it, either. As long as she had love of her husband Olaf, she was happy.
Apparently, Aud and Olaf understood love differently. Olaf didn’t see anything wrong about getting it on with a plump bar maiden. Aud did.
Magic wasn’t a forbidden knowledge then and there. Vengeance was a respectable custom, and sometimes, an obligation. Aud turned Olaf into troll, Having proved a significant talent and ingenuity with magic.
Her work didn’t go unnoticed. She was offered a new – job, life, self. She became Anyanka. She became vengeance. She slid across centuries, happy with her demonic powers, her demon world – where she actually felt belonging, where everything made sense to her. Her powers had not only made her an accepted member of the demon world, they allowed her to play whatever role she had to in the human one: highlands, high society, and high school – she looked at place everywhere. She picked up information, languages, and ideas along the way and made them hers, but all this was just trifles between exacted vengeance in the scorned women’s name.
And, oh, is she good at it! She could bring the darkest out of every woman, and then embellish it some more. She was respected, feared, and confident in herself.
On the hindsight, probably, she shouldn’t have come to Sunnydale. But she never hid away from a difficult case, all previous encounters with Slayers didn’t do her any harm, and the girl, her potential client was hurt and furious, and Anyanka couldn’t leave her unattended.
It began quite well, and then, somehow went horribly wrong. She was posing as a new girl at school, she and her client had a good rapport, as usual, they chatted, she commiserated – and seeing the perpetrator around, laughing with two girls, she cannot but appreciated the taste of her client. It was very stupid of her not to recognize the slayer at once, of course. She must have been distracted by the perpetrator, Xander, a very nice-looking boy. Pity, he was due to die horribly from the granted wish.
But when the wish was declared – neither the perpetrator, nor his red abettor was mentioned. And, much to Anyanka’s surprise and delight, the strange wish produced incredible results – a brand new world.
She has a dim recollection of this world, and what happened later, because world returned to the previous state – only she lost her amulet, her source of power. She became human, a teenage girl in an American high school on the hellmouth.
She was stripped of all her powers; even her name - she couldn’t use her demon name in all its glory; she didn’t fit anywhere again. The demon world is a nice place for a demon, but toward a human, even formerly demon, it is merciless. She didn’t like being a human; she sucked at it the first time around. The demon life was easy and glorious, the human – lonely, pathetic, and weak. At least she still had her material assets, but that was the only thing that worked for her.
Nobody paid any attention to her, and she didn’t connect to anybody at school, even to her former client – as soon as the initial reason for their interactions was gone, none could find a topic to talk about. Humans were stupid and pathetic; Anya was bored at school, but couldn’t get anywhere else. She didn’t know where to go, or who she was, so she just stuck around.
A ray of hope was her attempt to use Willow to make a spell to bring her amulet back. To Anya’s chagrin, she lost not only her demon powers, but also that little magic power that she used to have as a human. She needed help to do a simple spell. And, of course, the spell went wrong. Everything in her life went wrong recently.
Then there was an apocalypse pending, and, being a clever a sensible person, she left the town.
Only… she kept thinking about it – about Sunnydale, and the Slayer and her friends, and nicely-shaped Xander, who didn’t back away from her at that silly dance event, who didn’t back away from the apocalypse and stayed with his friends, even though she explained to him how tiny their chances were and offered to leave the town with her.
So she found herself heading back to Sunnydale.
Over the next years her life became Xander-shaped.
Season 4 she spends not here not there. She isn’t working, she isn’t studying, she is tagging along Xander, and the Slayer, and all the human world. Sometimes she is snarky about humans, but she isn’t hostile either. Mostly she doesn’t care one way or another that much (well, may be about Xander, because he is nice to her, handsome and seems to actually care whether she is alive, she’s given up the idea of getting her powers back, (she is still pissed off about d’Hoffrin, and his offering her position to Willow didn’t help here) and mostly just tries to exist somehow.
But being demon was much easier – and much more pleasant. She had a purpose, a will, a power, she wasn’t alone, but in the community, where everything was clear. Now nothing is. She used to be a human a long time ago, but she doesn’t remember how it was. Probably wasn’t much fun either, as she never regretted being a demon.
She thinks she needs to learn to live in the human world again, but the world doesn’t make it any easier. She doesn’t know what to do with herself. Sometimes her knowledge of the demon world and magic are useful, and she feels useful and in the right place, and she loves this feeling. The next day they would look at her as at an intruding stranger, like she is a leper they cannot throw away (because they are good), but cannot accept as their equal either. But she needs them, because she doesn’t have anyone else, and sometimes they need her, and there is Xander, so it is working out.
The next year things seemingly start working out for her – she starts to fit in, she is learning to live as a human, every week brought something new. She started working at the Magic shop and getting paid, and being useful, because Giles was hopeless in the important stuff, and for her retail turned to be easy. The money was the palpable, material sign of the human world and that she was fitting in there.
The broken arm drove home that she wasn’t invincible any longer, that she could be injured, sick, and would eventually get old as well. This discovery both scared her and added the impetus to her desire to have a proper human life she didn’t have much time to settle into it. Xander was moving in the right direction with the job and the admission of his love to her, the Scoobies more or less let her in, and her talent with money assured her that she was right on her way to have a decent human life.
Even sad events worked to her advantage. Joyce’s death hit inexplicably hard. She saw many deaths. She caused many more of them, but it was the death of the Slayer’s mother that made her actually feel the loss. Very human. It also returned the old feeling of connection of death, life, and sex. She knew it long ago, but in the demon world sex means physical pleasures, death belongs to humans, and life doesn’t have much meaning at all.
The renewed connection made her orgasms with Xander more poignant with the reminding of their ability to create a new life together.
The new apocalypse was coming to the Sunnydale. She caught herself thinking about means to fight Glory and was very surprised – she really should have been moving out, far from Hellmouth, but she knew that Xander wouldn’t have agreed, and she couldn’t leave him, so she put her energies into staying alive there.
And she was rewarded by the universe. Well, the Slayer died, but the end of the world was averted. And Xander proposed. Before it was clear that they were going to live long enough to get married, but still, it was nice.
She was feeling a full member of the Scoobies, and even though she still caught those glances from time to time, they didn’t bother her any longer. She was one of them, soon to be married, and it was
a good feeling. It would be much better if Xander actually told anyone about their engagement, but they were all grieving about Buffy, and she was trying to be supportive and understanding. So, instead she found herself plotting the resurrection. She thought to tell them that it rarely ends well, but she knew Willow was not going to listen to her anyway, and probably Xander, too, and Tara wouldn’t be able to influence anyone. Besides, she liked to be a part of the group.
So, Buffy was back. And, apparently, they screw it up, and she wasn’t happy being back at all. With it, Anya could relate. This world was nothing special, especially for someone who saw other universes. But Anya’d gotten over it, and Buffy should have been, too. A regular job and money would have helped as they had helped her, but Buffy’s one day in retail was a complete disaster, and Anya swore she wasn’t going to let Buffy to the other side of a cash register, all Scoobies be damned with their disapproval.
Her memories of her time as a demon became somewhat of a previous job. She was still slightly nostalgic, but she was settling in the human world marvelously, even though sometimes doubts about her incredible luck and her human life visited her, she put all doubts to the darkest corner of her mind. She was determined to make her human life a happy one. She knew what the chances are, and she was taking them all. Xander was her lucky lottery ticket, he loved her, she loved him, and becoming Mrs. Harris would seal her success at being a human. She hadn’t seen any happy marriage she could remember, but this is she and her Xander, and everything would be different this time. Her weeding – as her married life was supposed to be just right.
But then it didn’t happen. She wasn’t furious, she was empty. She accepted the demon powers again, she didn’t really want to be a demon, but she needed to fill the void inside that she felt since her lonely walk to the altar, and her demon days seemed a time when everything in her life made sense.
She wanted to hurt her Xander, but she couldn’t anymore, and even seeing him hurt didn’t make her feel any better. What was strange though, she tried to throw herself back into the vengeance, but she couldn’t do it also; vengeance wasn’t sweet for her any longer, living Anya alone and confused. Her life as a vengeance demon was emptier than before, she didn’t fit in the demon world as well in the human. She stayed in Sunnydale, with Scoobies, even though she didn’t know what for, but she stayed, and helped when her help was needed.
Her being a demon again was discovered when Willow was on her vengeance binge, when Anya joined Xander and Buffy to help her, even if helping Willow meant stopping her – the thing she wouldn’t have done in her thousand years.
Over the summer she tried to pick up the remnants of her life, and put it into the unbroken whole. But as the broken Magic Box, her life just wasn’t coming back. She felt no taste in the demon existence, and the vengeance didn’t fill her up. She didn’t feel herself powerful, she wasn’t sure she had power, and not the other way around. She looked at Willow, coming back from her anti-evil therapy in England, scared the shit out of herself, and suddenly she realized she felt the same. Only Willow had friends who loved no matter what. And what did Anya have? Halfrek?
Something was brewing and everyone was talking about choosing the side. She did choose, didn’t she? She was a demon. Why couldn’t she just let everything go, and be as before? But she couldn’t.
She took no pleasure in her victims pain (well-deserved pain!), and didn’t notice it until Halfrek had pointed it out.
So she really had to choose. And she answered the call from the fraternity house. It was the work at her best level of old times. She knew D’Hoffrin would be happy. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t happy and she couldn’t hide it from herself. Again, and again she tried to justify the death of those stupid boys to herself, and to Willow, but in both cases it didn’t work.
And suddenly she didn’t care. She wanted to change something, but wasn’t sure what exactly. She knew with the painful certainty that she made all the wrong choices, and she couldn’t take them back. All centuries of happy mayhem she had never felt bad about laid an unbearable burden on her soul and she – in the first time – felt them for what they were: murders and pain. One thousand two hundred plus years of murders and pain she inflicted. She felt very tired and old.
Anya returned to the frat house – seeing dead boys, silly dead boys, who probably deserved some good spanking, but not the horribly death she subjected them to.
When Buffy appeared, in her full Slayer mode, Anya was almost happy. She fought desperately, to save her face, but it was the fight, she didn’t want to win.
So she chose being human. She didn’t expect it – she didn’t expect her to live, and Halfrek to die, but chose the lives of the stupid frat boys over her life and power. And she knew she had made the right choice.
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Date: 2004-08-25 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-26 07:27 pm (UTC)I think your writing style and using Anya's POV here are very appropriate to Anya's character.
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Date: 2004-08-26 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-28 03:25 pm (UTC)