2022 is gone

I’ve been trying to write 2022 round-up for a while. But words escape me and well, here I am.

New year eve has always been a bit magical to me. In part due to cultural habit that conflates magic of Christmas with New year, in part due to the feel of new beginnings and new hopes. And enjoyed celebrating New year even if the outgoing year was sad, tough or troubled. Even when I was feeling down the whole of December, by the evening of 31st my mood would clear up, I dress up and meet the midnight with hopes for a better future.

Not this year. I wasn’t in particularly bad mood, and I prepared the celebratory feast and called or wrote to as many people as I could, but I couldn’t bring myself even take a shower, let alone dress into something different from my home clothes I spent the day in. And I hardly expected anything better for year 2023.

The thing is, 2022 kind of has broken me.

The whole thing that started on February 24th (February 23rd for me) when I read scrolling through various girly communities on FB that Russia attacked Ukraine, and then when I, in deep horror and confusion messaged my mother in law in Kyiv, she confirmed that yes, they were under a missile attack.

I feel somewhat better than I did immediately after that, but only because I got used to feeling crappy – humans do get used to all kinds of horrible stuff. But that feeling has never gone away, and sometimes I think it never will. All my memories and thoughts are covered in a thin layer of ash, everything is bitter. An actual war between Russia and Ukraine here and now had always felt an impossibility an absurd and stupid thought bubble, and yet here we are. And beyond physical destruction, Russian government is bringing forth a destruction of the future for Russia. And it hits just as hard. I follow the news. I listen to smart people discussing things and possibilities and explaining why and how. It doesn’t bring neither solace nor hope. I used to feel rather smart, but now I feel fooled, and easily fooled, and rather annoyed that the people whom I considered paranoid idiots were right.

I live, and I am kind of fine, just an underlying worry got much worse and all-encompassing. I think I always thought I could go back to Russia and still find myself there, with my friends, family, legal career. I don’t think so anymore. I didn’t lose many friends, but only because I was willing not to push for their opinion. (I stopped talking for good only to people to said to be that Ukrainians bomb themselves) And I am kind of glad, for the first time, that my legal dreams didn’t come true. I could have been a judge in Russia right now, imagine that… I have no idea, how I would have lived if I were in Russia now.

I live, and I do small things, I donate a bit here and there, I try to talk to people (less and less by now) to pass the information that is easier for me to get. I am almost ok.

And then another day, another attack, another heartbreak, and shame and rage, and I am not ok at all.

So, that’s my 2022.

(please, ask me to write stuff!)